America's Got Talent

The only thing I like in this world more then sex is Ke$ha and beer. This belief led the co-founders of Danger Beach Entertainment into getting together, and combining these two great things. Tik Tok is an anthem for partying and having a good time, all the time. Beerfest is a film celebrating the nectar of the gods, beer. Enjoy.




On a related note, what do you think of this?

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a boner when I typed this.

Take a shot of vodka, and party till you see the sunlight.

Boston Jon

Season of the Wit... I mean Shit

January is unanimous for the release of the shittiest shit that Hollywood has to offer. Film releases in the month of January over the past decade have a median meta-score of under 40; and only two January films have ever made 100 million at the box office. Of course shit comes out every month, but in celebration of the month of January and 2011's first film Season of the Witch, here is some knowledge.

Arguably there is a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon. Studios take all of the action packed, testosterone fueled mangasm's and releases them in the summer months. It shouldn't be too hard to crack that puzzle. Then studios release everything good and holy in the world of cinema at the end of  the year. They do this simply because "The Academy" has proven time and time again that their memory sucks cock. They are seemingly unable to remember that, contrary to popular belief, movies are in fact released in the first quarter of the year.

Usually lists compile the best of things, such as the 5 best things to eat out of a strippers ass. (work in progress)

A quick list of the best January movies ever released would be:

1. Torque - Best motorcycle movie ever. 100%

Fuck that nonsense. I personally am much more interested in the 15 worst movies ever released in January. This list is based on personal opinion and Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer scores.

Pucker up you squinty little bitch.

15. New in Town - I've never actually seen this movie but Renee Zellweger is in it and she is fucking hideous. 27%

14. Legion - Best use of a old lady in a movie ever. Watch it here. Fucking funny. Beside that this overly religious shit fest was another nail in Dennis Quaid's coffin. 18%

13. Double Take - I saw this four days ago doing research for this article and I can honestly say I don't remember a fucking thing. 12%

12. Biker Boyz - This is the film that jump started Kid Rock's acting career, and subsequently ruined it. Certainly no Torque. 23%

11. Elektra - The spin-off Daredevil deserved. 10%

Look mom! It's Eddie Murphy!

10. Big Momma's House 2 - The first movie to ever have an African American comedian in a fat suit. 6%

9. Unborn - I'm baffled that Gary Oldman acted in this atrocious pile of shit. 11%

8. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale - Uwe Boll is a complete fucking jerk off. He has three god damn movies on this list, all based on video-games, and 3% is their median score. 4%

7. My Baby's Daddy - What do this movie, Big Momma's House, Biker Boyz, and Double Take have in common? 4%

6. Jawbreaker - A complete rip off of Heathers and the spiritual inspiration for Mean Girls. If you didn't go to high school in the 90s then take my advice. This movie is exactly what its like. 7%

5. Bloodrayne - Movie two of the Uwe Boll January Shit Fest. Also a video-game movie. The only reason this movie doesn't have the coveted 0% is because that chick from Terminator 3 shows her tits. 4%

Classy.

4. One Missed Call - This movie is so fucking bad it pretty much ended the fascination of remaking J-Horror films. The tagline for this movie is; "What will it sound like when you die?" A fart. 0%

3. Alone in the Dark - The finale to Uwe Boll's massacre of video-game adaptations. In this cult classic Tara Reid portrays a scientist.  That's the joke fellows. That stupid whore is so bad at acting she can barely play a slut, her actual role in society. 1%

2. Epic Movie - Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's collective filmography is more embarrassingly awful then Uwe Boll's (who has three movies on this list). They ruined parody comedy in the same way those fags Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan ruined horror.  2%

1. Highlander 2 - It's hard for me to insult the sequel to what is arguably the greatest movie about an immortal Scotsman ever made. However this movie fucking blows. Hard. It's on the level of Troll 2 in terms of how laugh out loud awful this movie is. Buy it on Blu-Ray here. 0%

Christopher Lambert, the one and only.

(P.S.- check this article out to read about the 4 endings of Highlander 2)

Take a shot of vodka, and save your money for Transformers 3.

Boston Jon