On a related note, what do you think of this?
 |
| I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a boner when I typed this. |
Take a shot of vodka, and party till you see the sunlight.
Boston Jon
Saturday, January 22, 2011
America's Got Talent
The only thing I like in this world more then sex is Ke$ha and beer. This belief led the co-founders of Danger Beach Entertainment into getting together, and combining these two great things. Tik Tok is an anthem for partying and having a good time, all the time. Beerfest is a film celebrating the nectar of the gods, beer. Enjoy.
On a related note, what do you think of this?
Take a shot of vodka, and party till you see the sunlight.
Boston Jon
On a related note, what do you think of this?
Take a shot of vodka, and party till you see the sunlight.
Boston Jon
Monday, January 10, 2011
Season of the Wit... I mean Shit
January is unanimous for the release of the shittiest shit that Hollywood has to offer. Film releases in the month of January over the past decade have a median meta-score of under 40; and only two January films have ever made 100 million at the box office. Of course shit comes out every month, but in celebration of the month of January and 2011's first film Season of the Witch, here is some knowledge.
Arguably there is a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon. Studios take all of the action packed, testosterone fueled mangasm's and releases them in the summer months. It shouldn't be too hard to crack that puzzle. Then studios release everything good and holy in the world of cinema at the end of the year. They do this simply because "The Academy" has proven time and time again that their memory sucks cock. They are seemingly unable to remember that, contrary to popular belief, movies are in fact released in the first quarter of the year.
Usually lists compile the best of things, such as the 5 best things to eat out of a strippers ass. (work in progress)
A quick list of the best January movies ever released would be:
1. Torque - Best motorcycle movie ever. 100%
Fuck that nonsense. I personally am much more interested in the 15 worst movies ever released in January. This list is based on personal opinion and Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer scores.
15. New in Town - I've never actually seen this movie but Renee Zellweger is in it and she is fucking hideous. 27%
14. Legion - Best use of a old lady in a movie ever. Watch it here. Fucking funny. Beside that this overly religious shit fest was another nail in Dennis Quaid's coffin. 18%
13. Double Take - I saw this four days ago doing research for this article and I can honestly say I don't remember a fucking thing. 12%
12. Biker Boyz - This is the film that jump started Kid Rock's acting career, and subsequently ruined it. Certainly no Torque. 23%
11. Elektra - The spin-off Daredevil deserved. 10%
10. Big Momma's House 2 - The first movie to ever have an African American comedian in a fat suit. 6%
9. Unborn - I'm baffled that Gary Oldman acted in this atrocious pile of shit. 11%
8. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale - Uwe Boll is a complete fucking jerk off. He has three god damn movies on this list, all based on video-games, and 3% is their median score. 4%
7. My Baby's Daddy - What do this movie, Big Momma's House, Biker Boyz, and Double Take have in common? 4%
6. Jawbreaker - A complete rip off of Heathers and the spiritual inspiration for Mean Girls. If you didn't go to high school in the 90s then take my advice. This movie is exactly what its like. 7%
5. Bloodrayne - Movie two of the Uwe Boll January Shit Fest. Also a video-game movie. The only reason this movie doesn't have the coveted 0% is because that chick from Terminator 3 shows her tits. 4%
4. One Missed Call - This movie is so fucking bad it pretty much ended the fascination of remaking J-Horror films. The tagline for this movie is; "What will it sound like when you die?" A fart. 0%
3. Alone in the Dark - The finale to Uwe Boll's massacre of video-game adaptations. In this cult classic Tara Reid portrays a scientist. That's the joke fellows. That stupid whore is so bad at acting she can barely play a slut, her actual role in society. 1%
2. Epic Movie - Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's collective filmography is more embarrassingly awful then Uwe Boll's (who has three movies on this list). They ruined parody comedy in the same way those fags Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan ruined horror. 2%
1. Highlander 2 - It's hard for me to insult the sequel to what is arguably the greatest movie about an immortal Scotsman ever made. However this movie fucking blows. Hard. It's on the level of Troll 2 in terms of how laugh out loud awful this movie is. Buy it on Blu-Ray here. 0%
(P.S.- check this article out to read about the 4 endings of Highlander 2)
Take a shot of vodka, and save your money for Transformers 3.
Boston Jon
Arguably there is a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon. Studios take all of the action packed, testosterone fueled mangasm's and releases them in the summer months. It shouldn't be too hard to crack that puzzle. Then studios release everything good and holy in the world of cinema at the end of the year. They do this simply because "The Academy" has proven time and time again that their memory sucks cock. They are seemingly unable to remember that, contrary to popular belief, movies are in fact released in the first quarter of the year.
Usually lists compile the best of things, such as the 5 best things to eat out of a strippers ass. (work in progress)
A quick list of the best January movies ever released would be:
1. Torque - Best motorcycle movie ever. 100%
Fuck that nonsense. I personally am much more interested in the 15 worst movies ever released in January. This list is based on personal opinion and Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer scores.
 |
| Pucker up you squinty little bitch. |
14. Legion - Best use of a old lady in a movie ever. Watch it here. Fucking funny. Beside that this overly religious shit fest was another nail in Dennis Quaid's coffin. 18%
13. Double Take - I saw this four days ago doing research for this article and I can honestly say I don't remember a fucking thing. 12%
12. Biker Boyz - This is the film that jump started Kid Rock's acting career, and subsequently ruined it. Certainly no Torque. 23%
11. Elektra - The spin-off Daredevil deserved. 10%
 |
| Look mom! It's Eddie Murphy! |
9. Unborn - I'm baffled that Gary Oldman acted in this atrocious pile of shit. 11%
8. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale - Uwe Boll is a complete fucking jerk off. He has three god damn movies on this list, all based on video-games, and 3% is their median score. 4%
7. My Baby's Daddy - What do this movie, Big Momma's House, Biker Boyz, and Double Take have in common? 4%
6. Jawbreaker - A complete rip off of Heathers and the spiritual inspiration for Mean Girls. If you didn't go to high school in the 90s then take my advice. This movie is exactly what its like. 7%
5. Bloodrayne - Movie two of the Uwe Boll January Shit Fest. Also a video-game movie. The only reason this movie doesn't have the coveted 0% is because that chick from Terminator 3 shows her tits. 4%
 |
| Classy. |
4. One Missed Call - This movie is so fucking bad it pretty much ended the fascination of remaking J-Horror films. The tagline for this movie is; "What will it sound like when you die?" A fart. 0%
3. Alone in the Dark - The finale to Uwe Boll's massacre of video-game adaptations. In this cult classic Tara Reid portrays a scientist. That's the joke fellows. That stupid whore is so bad at acting she can barely play a slut, her actual role in society. 1%
2. Epic Movie - Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's collective filmography is more embarrassingly awful then Uwe Boll's (who has three movies on this list). They ruined parody comedy in the same way those fags Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan ruined horror. 2%
1. Highlander 2 - It's hard for me to insult the sequel to what is arguably the greatest movie about an immortal Scotsman ever made. However this movie fucking blows. Hard. It's on the level of Troll 2 in terms of how laugh out loud awful this movie is. Buy it on Blu-Ray here. 0%
 |
| Christopher Lambert, the one and only. |
(P.S.- check this article out to read about the 4 endings of Highlander 2)
Take a shot of vodka, and save your money for Transformers 3.
Boston Jon
Monday, December 6, 2010
Did I Sepll Tihs Creclorty?
I recently had to conduct very detailed and elaborate research into finding the meaning of a word. I was honestly puzzled as to what in the hell the word could possibly mean. Editor. It turns out an editor is, well... here just read this.
Now that we are all on the same page and can not only spell the word correctly but properly use it in a sentence, I feel comfortable in saying something. The next person to make a comment about either, A. my spelling, or B. my grammar can go fuck themselves. I am well, and I mean well aware of my issues with grammar and spelling. However I do not feel like this hinders the enjoyability of my booze fueled comical rants. Believe it or not ignoramuses, even professional, money making writers have editors. Hard to believe that someone with the writing prowess of Dan Brown employs someone to proof-read over his treasure hunting shenanigans and make corrections.
So on that note let's consider this post an ad for a job. The job is to be my editor, because I could probably fucking use it. You will not however be getting paid for the job, unless you consider friendship a payment. (I would)
Until I get that editor however, I will continue to spew my creative and original, super opinionated bullshit all over the fucking internet. I will do this until it becomes illegal, because to be honest I think its pretty fucking funny and imaginative. If you don't like dick jokes and sexism, then well I guess you should go fuck off too.
Take a shot of vodka and go watch Highlander.
P.S.- If you could read the title then you are not retarded, and have given me further evidence as to why grammar and spelling aren't as important as the content. Thanks baby.
Boston Jon
Now that we are all on the same page and can not only spell the word correctly but properly use it in a sentence, I feel comfortable in saying something. The next person to make a comment about either, A. my spelling, or B. my grammar can go fuck themselves. I am well, and I mean well aware of my issues with grammar and spelling. However I do not feel like this hinders the enjoyability of my booze fueled comical rants. Believe it or not ignoramuses, even professional, money making writers have editors. Hard to believe that someone with the writing prowess of Dan Brown employs someone to proof-read over his treasure hunting shenanigans and make corrections.
So on that note let's consider this post an ad for a job. The job is to be my editor, because I could probably fucking use it. You will not however be getting paid for the job, unless you consider friendship a payment. (I would)
Until I get that editor however, I will continue to spew my creative and original, super opinionated bullshit all over the fucking internet. I will do this until it becomes illegal, because to be honest I think its pretty fucking funny and imaginative. If you don't like dick jokes and sexism, then well I guess you should go fuck off too.
Take a shot of vodka and go watch Highlander.
P.S.- If you could read the title then you are not retarded, and have given me further evidence as to why grammar and spelling aren't as important as the content. Thanks baby.
Boston Jon
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Drunk Post Numero Uno
This right here is what I call straight stream of consciousness writing. I ain't worried about grammatical correctness or spelling. Fuck that shit. This is just me, typing shit as it comes.
The first thing I have to say is Quentin Tarentino is the best motherfucking screen writer the world has ever had the luxury to listen to. I love you Aaron Sorkin, but you can fuck off. QT can literally write circles around you.
Secondly, I'm drunk. Really drunk as a matter of fact. To be honest when people refer to nights when they drank way to much and woke up where they didn't fall asleep, I'm well on my way to that that journey. As a matter of fact where the fuck did my bed go, this couch is a mother fucker.
Thirdly, and lastly hopefully, assuming that a fourth unnecessary point doesn't find its way into my too small for my own good brain. Mistakes. Let's all sit down around the camp fire and listen to me tell you; don't do what I did. We all make mistakes, its part of the issue with being a member of humanity. Real unfortunate luck if you want my opinion, but the mistakes just keep coming as fast as I can move my hand south to north up my cock.
Learn from my mistakes readers, learn real well. Listen closely when I tell you that when you have something. When you have something grasped by the balls and ready to dance to your singing, you fucking hold that whatever the fuck it is real close. It can be a person, an animal, or a fucking idea. Whatever it is, and whenever you get it, hold on. Hold on tight. Cause when that thing, person, object or whatever runs free after you let it, it ain't coming back.
My dad told me one time that there is plenty of fish in the sea. He is right, there is millions of little water breathing fagget little fish swimming all around the glorious oceans of this world. As a damn fine fisherman, I'm here to tell you...when you catch that one big glorious, shiny, triumphant mother fucker; you unhook that bitch and hang it on your favorite wall. Cause no matter how many fish in the sea there is, there is only one that will adorn the walls of your domicile better then the rest.
I lost my fish, i lost it to the fucking mistakes that a douchebag, foul mouthed, asshole from Boston looses fish to. Myself. When I'm sitting in front of something waiting for me to facilitate my goods, and i can't find my goods, I knew I had to stop; hold on; this is blog worthy. These readers need a chance to quit the fucking around, and just start doing. So do, do everything and anything that you feel like doing.
Let me make your mistakes, so I have to ability to tell you not to make them again.
Take that shot of fucking vodka, and think for once about what you want. Because it can run away.
This is Boston Jon, I'm going to black out after this drink.
They say if you love something let it go. I want to know if the douchebag who said that died happy. I'm guessing no. If you love something you smother that thing with everything you got and keep it close.
The first thing I have to say is Quentin Tarentino is the best motherfucking screen writer the world has ever had the luxury to listen to. I love you Aaron Sorkin, but you can fuck off. QT can literally write circles around you.
Secondly, I'm drunk. Really drunk as a matter of fact. To be honest when people refer to nights when they drank way to much and woke up where they didn't fall asleep, I'm well on my way to that that journey. As a matter of fact where the fuck did my bed go, this couch is a mother fucker.
Thirdly, and lastly hopefully, assuming that a fourth unnecessary point doesn't find its way into my too small for my own good brain. Mistakes. Let's all sit down around the camp fire and listen to me tell you; don't do what I did. We all make mistakes, its part of the issue with being a member of humanity. Real unfortunate luck if you want my opinion, but the mistakes just keep coming as fast as I can move my hand south to north up my cock.
Learn from my mistakes readers, learn real well. Listen closely when I tell you that when you have something. When you have something grasped by the balls and ready to dance to your singing, you fucking hold that whatever the fuck it is real close. It can be a person, an animal, or a fucking idea. Whatever it is, and whenever you get it, hold on. Hold on tight. Cause when that thing, person, object or whatever runs free after you let it, it ain't coming back.
My dad told me one time that there is plenty of fish in the sea. He is right, there is millions of little water breathing fagget little fish swimming all around the glorious oceans of this world. As a damn fine fisherman, I'm here to tell you...when you catch that one big glorious, shiny, triumphant mother fucker; you unhook that bitch and hang it on your favorite wall. Cause no matter how many fish in the sea there is, there is only one that will adorn the walls of your domicile better then the rest.
I lost my fish, i lost it to the fucking mistakes that a douchebag, foul mouthed, asshole from Boston looses fish to. Myself. When I'm sitting in front of something waiting for me to facilitate my goods, and i can't find my goods, I knew I had to stop; hold on; this is blog worthy. These readers need a chance to quit the fucking around, and just start doing. So do, do everything and anything that you feel like doing.
Let me make your mistakes, so I have to ability to tell you not to make them again.
Take that shot of fucking vodka, and think for once about what you want. Because it can run away.
This is Boston Jon, I'm going to black out after this drink.
They say if you love something let it go. I want to know if the douchebag who said that died happy. I'm guessing no. If you love something you smother that thing with everything you got and keep it close.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Everything looks good when your smashed!
The Expendables was a steaming pile of mildly entertaining shit. Me and a couple of my friends sneaked in some Four Lokos and watched this a few nights ago. Our brains were then raped with awful for the next ninety minutes.
I got home and since I was buzzing like a fucking bumblebee I decided to take a friends advice and try out video blogging. It ended up being around fifteen minutes of talking, so I edited some of the unnecessary shit out and tried my hand at "Windows Movie Maker". This is that attempt.
In all seriousness though, this movie was kind of terrible. I was entertained, but save your $10.00 for Piranha 3D this weekend. Take a shot of vodka, and go watch The Transporter.
Boston Jon
I got home and since I was buzzing like a fucking bumblebee I decided to take a friends advice and try out video blogging. It ended up being around fifteen minutes of talking, so I edited some of the unnecessary shit out and tried my hand at "Windows Movie Maker". This is that attempt.
In all seriousness though, this movie was kind of terrible. I was entertained, but save your $10.00 for Piranha 3D this weekend. Take a shot of vodka, and go watch The Transporter.
Boston Jon
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The Science of Scare
I am confidant I have personally seen more horror movies then anybody who stumbles across the brilliance that is my blog. It is quite literally my forte. When I hear of people's nightmares it reminds me of my dreams. I love being terrified more then I love ejaculating. I feel it is my responsibility as a horror aficionado to inform my loyal readers of the twenty-five best horror movies to ever grace the silver screen.
First however I'll tell you why I love horror movies so much. This is a blog, I need a chance to write something of substance for fucks sake.
When I was a wee-little lad dressing up as teenage mutant ninja turtles for Halloween I had no idea what horror even was. On this one magical holiday though I would find out very quickly why some people can't get enough of the blood and guts. I had a bunch of my retarded little buddies over and we were fucking around trick or treating and shit. I was warned as my wonderful mother went to sleep, to under no circumstances watch the movie Halloween. What the fuck do you think I did?
25. Black Christmas
24. The Hills Have Eyes (remake)
23. [Rec]
22. Audition
21. Saw
20. Rosemary's Baby
19. Ringu
18. High Tension17. 28 Days Later
16. The Thing
15. The Evil Dead
14. Suspiria
13. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
12. Ju-On
11. The Exorcist
10. House of 1000 Corpses
9. The Descent8. Friday the 13th
7. Psycho
6. Night of the Living Dead
5. Nightmare on Elm Street
4. Alien
3. The Shining
2. Jaws
1. Halloween
Take a shot of vodka, and get scared shit-less.
Boston Jon
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Booby Trap
Piranha 3D is going to win Best Picture of 2010. Here's why.
People go see movies because they want to escape from their boring, monotonous, shitty lives. Movies about boring, monotonous, shitty lives have been winning Best Picture forever. I have faith however that American intelligence has completely flat-lined at the turn of the decade.
Piranha 3D has my mind so entirely engulfed with the excitement of the release, I almost forgot to see Inception. It has all of the things I, like most sane people in the world, love. Gratuitous nonsensical nudity, partying, and B-movie violence encompass the entire length of this film. Tits, ass, alcohol, sex, blood, guts, guns, fire, and mother fucking lesbians will cover the screen constantly, overloading your brain with happiness.
This movie will be so insanely wonderful, everyone who sees it will immediately purchase another ticket. For its inevitable six months in theaters it will be considered the best way to spend $10. Every magazine in the country will praise it as the greatest accomplishments in American well-being since the microwave.
Take a shot of vodka, and watch great movies,
Boston Jon
This movie will be so insanely wonderful, everyone who sees it will immediately purchase another ticket. For its inevitable six months in theaters it will be considered the best way to spend $10. Every magazine in the country will praise it as the greatest accomplishments in American well-being since the microwave.Take a shot of vodka, and watch great movies,
Boston Jon
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